Queen Bee: It’s OK To Ask For Help

Earlier this year, my brother introduced us to the online game Spelling Bee. As someone who takes a lot of pride in her vocabulary and way with words, I was not only intrigued but a little (over)confident. For the uninitiated, each day you are presented with a hive-like graphic with seven letters. The challenge is to spell as many four-plus letter words as you can using the day’s focal letter at the center of the grid. No proper nouns, no slang. No problem, right? Not so much.

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The game not only unleashed my inner word nerd but also set free my inner critic and chief competitor. There are levels you achieve in Spelling Bee, starting with Beginner, moving through stages like Good and Amazing and ending in Genius. That is, of course, unless you find all the possible words, in which case you are crowned Queen Bee. My husband and I—working as a tag team—managed to get to Genius most days (OK, I couldn’t sleep until I got to Genius), but Queen Bee evaded my grasp.

That is until one of my best friends showed me a feature that allows you to tap into a community of puzzle solvers and hints from the game designer. Ask for help to grab the brass ring? Moi?! A rush of complex emotions ensued. What had unknowingly been revealed was my complicated relationship with asking for help.

Wouldn’t it feel like cheating to “win” if I didn’t do it alone? Wouldn’t the joy be diminished if the accomplishment required assistance, even if it was just a hint here or there? Would I be able to hold my head high, even anonymously, if I was a queen who only ascended to the throne with support? The answers, I’m happy to report are: no, no and yes.

Reflecting on this seemingly silly activity, I’ve come to realize that there are so many areas of our lives where we could be asking for help but don’t. Why? Because we’ve been socialized to think that solo accomplishments are often more worthwhile. I see this all the time with my clients—incredible achievers who put such a heavy burden on themselves to offer, shoulder and do it on their own.

I see it in personal relationships, which are endlessly enriched when we let others make a contribution to our struggles and achievements. I’ve also seen this with the evolution of my own work, which benefitted immeasurably when I committed to being in communities of practice. By asking my peers for advice on everything from specific client matters to pricing to professional development opportunities for myself, I grew as a businesswoman and became a better coach.

This, then, is an invitation. Ask yourself where you might be holding yourself back from big things—consciously or unconsciously—because you aren’t comfortable asking for help. Interrogate stories you cling to that require you to be a hero or heroine, slaying the dragons alone. And finally, go find out what delight might be possible by tapping into the talents of others and sharing the crowning glory!

This article was first published on forbes.com and was reproduced her with the permission of the author.